belated Christmas wishes n happy new year!!!


First, sorry ppl for not being able to blog for such a long time! I was at my sister's house all these day obviously having fun with her 4 month son and other members of the family and I had no access to Internet time...

Anyway, I missed the Christmas badly, I think I almost forgot time there!!! I am sorry!!
So wishing you all a happy new year,
I am wishing that at least in 2009, India will have cleaner roads, minds and keyboards....
Good news is that I will be soon in Muscat, within next 10!

Bad news is that I will stay in Muscat only for a short period of time - perhaps 15 days - shit! I have my finals coming in march -o0o- gotta work for that!

I will also soon get my wi-fi USB modem soon which is supposed to look something like right!
I gave the order today, and that salesman said it will work in my sister's place it better should!!
I am juggling with time at guys and gals take care.....

with less than 30 hours before we enter into the hope filled 2009 I wish everyone a happy and extremely safe new year

oops: I will soon visit all your blogs and will comment........I am just super busy right now! Thanks a lot for visiting my blog!!

Happy B'day Maggie


Like everyone else of my age, I first saw Dame Maggie Smith in Harry Potter films as Prof. Minerva McGonagall . I loved her from that very moment.

After that I saw her in "A room with a view" and David Copperfield. She and Judi Dench are a bliss to together on screen.
She is one of the most versatile and beautiful actress I have ever seen. Though I did not see her in her very old films, she seems very beautiful even though she is old...
She turns 74 today, lets hope that she live many more years and have a peaceful and healthy life.

Once again, Happy Birthday Dame Maggie!


How to lose 3 kgs...


I am not kidding like those stupid dieting sites, but sharing my personal experience.

I have lost an astonishing amont of 3 kilos in just a month. The diet is simple and flexible. After years of frustation on weight loss and the info I gathered on dieting has lead me to make my own way of diet. I am fed up with low calorie diets and low carb diets give me energy drains. I am a vegetarian Indian whose staple food is rice with vegetables!

The idea is simple and easy to learn:
in the first whole month just reduce what you are eating, not excessively but notable reduction of what you are eating and a must of 10-15-30 minutes brisk walk - do not use any machines - even treadmill - just walk on the platform. Weight loss may not be seen immediately but you will feel lighter. If you have any signs of weakness or energy drains - STOP THE DIET IMMEDIATELY.

The second month,  if you drink fizzy drinks like me - change diet cola - once in a week and give up all the other junk foods, eating fruits is not a must. I am not a fan of calorific calculations - if you want you can go low calorie. Walking of 30-45mins - 1 hour is a must.The weight loss is is in this month I lost my first 3 kgs.

To help you ease the stress, you can have a break once in every week - that chosen day you can eat whatever you want, but from the third month you will have to stop this.

The third month, is a hardcore month. Increase your fiber levels in the food. No junk food at all - the exercise should include a 15-30 mins additional time to your regular walking. Fruits is a must - at least 1 per day!
The weight loss may occur or may not - If you do not loose your weight, don't be discouraged - measure yourself and you might find your are loosing inches. Don't be obsessive to lose weight fast - it is fatal. So your goal for three months should be a total loss of 5 kilos at the most
After the three months, give yourself a break - eat well and good food but make sure you do not gain weight again!
Start the process all over again when you feel the need!

Other instruction and rules include:
Never miss your walking sessions especially in the first two months.
Take lemon juice with honey every morn b/f eating anything. This reduces the weakness caused by the food reduction and also gives a full feeling.
Drink lots of water! - the most important - nothing less than 4 liters.
Try it! Modify it to your lifestyle and I am sure it will work if you do it with dedication.

The most hated printer of the world...


I am  stuck with a HP F4180.

HP f4180 is one of those new  printers which come with scanner, printer and xerox in it. I have no clue why my Dad bought it (Imagine my surprise when I find this device after I returned from India he bought it when i was away), may be coz of xerox...
Dad got it this August from the Lulu Hypermarket - I am sure he is cheated by some oil haired Malbari salesman...oh poor dad!
Whatever, I print very less - can be said negligible but I scan a hell lot. I have photos, drawings, designs, notebook, articles everything....I need a very good scanner with the best OCR software..but the scanner in this printer is so awkward  and useless. It can't recognize any letters from any printed text. And the photos too seem dull so are the drawings. The only fucking facility it gives is xerox which consumes my ink like hell.

I have 2 desktops and one laptop scattered in my house and this printer should be able to to render itself to all the systems, I simply can't figure, even after following all the instructions to network this printer, it doesn't print if the order is not from its main computer. I am really fed up with this whole thing...

I don't know where my old Lexmark and Benq are, if I don't see them soon, this printer is going out of window...

Photography Addiction


No it is not dew, I sprinkled water ;) 
These cute lil balls seem to grow competitively
I found 100Bz on terrace....
In Oman, even sunset is bright!
B 4 *Bobby*
From the time I got my cam, I have been clicking incessantly. These are the few chosen ones which express my urge to become the best...
What do you say?

Indian Noodles - Bachelor's kitchen



Carrot - 1
Tomato - 1
Onion - 1
Beetroot - few shredded
(all finely chopped)


- Boil the noodles and drain the water and keep aside.
- In a pan, add oil, add rosemary,fenugreek seeds, mustard seeds
- Add onions, carrot and fry.
- Add the flavor that came with noodles
- Add the boiled noodles and mix.
- Garnish with the beetroot.

Side dish - optional

I am obsessed with addicted to yogurt so I mixed some yogurt with some raw garlic and added just a pinch of coriander powder and garlic-chili powder.

Recipe: Indian Fried Rice


2 cups basmati rice     
250 g green beans
250 g peas
1/2 teaspoon
salt 1/2 teaspoon
chili powder
1/2 teaspoon      cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon garam  masala
3 teaspoons ghee
8 cloves minced garlic
1/4 cup cashews nuts
1. Boil a medium pot of salted water
2. Stir in the rice and boil for 10 minutes (until done)
3.Drain the rice and set aside to cool
4. Cut all the vegetables into long pieces
5.Pour the ghee in the frying pan and add the garlic and cashew nuts and sauté
6. Stir the mixture until slightly browned
7. Add the vegetables and fry until they are fully cooked
8. Add the spices
9. Add the rice, stirring well to coat with the spices, and fry until heated through and well mixed
Recipe from: cook duke

I didn't cook the rice before, instead I added washed raw rice to the frying pan, along with veggies and made the rice fry for few moments (I like to get that brown tinge on the rice).
I then added boiling water to the pan. (Water+ Knorr Rice flavor cube & 1 cup rice*2 cups water)
As I cooked this recipe for dad, I made it more spicy with lots of chillis and un-ground masala
I have added carrots, beetroot too. I have no intentions of using ghee (clarified butter) instead I use sunflower oil or corn oil.
And my side-dish is Raita - just add some shredded onions , carrots, corriander to whisked curd. Et voila!
If you want this also spicy, you can add green chillies or some garlic chilli powder (from Nensey's )
 Bon appetit !

We are really high after Mumbai Attacks


I don't get it! Something bad(attacks of Mumbai) happens somewhere then every one at public places is checked and made sniffed by Extra Sensory Perception dogs ( I abhor dogs esp those black giants) for a month or two and then everything becomes normal again!!

With the fear of further attacks on other major cities like Hyderabad, "strict" measures have been taken to ensure that no one with anything like coins or key chains or nail files are allowed inside into places like airports and railway stations!
So, as it happens always, I have travel in such hard times as we are not ""allowed"" to stay in the house of the deceased...after the final ceremony of my grandma we head homes - but wait you can't go to your homes straight from the house of deceased. Beautiful! Fuck those Bramins
So travelling nearly for 12 hours in the blessed Indian railways to go to my home, with just a half an hour away from home we have decided to spend sometime in hotel....24 hours fucking hell

And at all these ports - 3 railway stations , I was checked thoroughly by pot bellied cops to big booped dogs... especially at the Hyderabad railway station I was even asked to remove my shoes and belt...
what annoys me is that only just a handful of people really going through all these tests the rest simply go from the sides of the metal detector door and the cops don't even say a thing! Fuck the system, not to mention if the guy is someone known to cops!
On the whole, the security measures kept to prevent any further attacks is nothing but a show by the Indian government...the are inefficient and idiotic.
So once in the train another cop waves the metal detector in to air, I never knew that air has metallic weapons!!! he is supposed to check us not air - all the while he was doing that waving thing , he was talking to someone on mobile-- Am I @@~#$ - eww! Indians Indians!

If such a situation continues we can never be efficient - and become a more easy target to the terrorists - and the cops - fire them all from all over the India - get them spanked or whatever - fuck them to hell until they take their job more seriously!

So this is from the hotel's Cafe with cute (but dirty - like someone threw up or cummed on this keyboard) Logitech keyboard - that's for now as I have buy Dettol to wash my hands!

In my next post I will tell you what happened on my grandma's final ceremony day and how happy the others are and how unhappy I am about the whole thing!!

The edibilities and inedibilties


There are somethings which are edible and some inedible.
Then there are those things which hang between these two categories (like edible underwear... my GF's fetish)
But I came across this weird thing - categorized under edible things - believe me, it took 15 mintues to cut it with my spoons and other 15 minutes to chew...
What is it? The box says a Turkish Delight - Lourak something something.
It is nothing but, sweetened cornflour - and hardened by something - you can use it as brick.
AW! My teeth!

What is wrong with you ppl!


Now that is not something which applies to the cafe keyboard I'm typing on but on the whole, the whole city looks a lot neater and clean.

Coming to the other art where Indians top (no! not reproducing -in that they top even rats!) is their driving skills! It was just yesterday when I thought of the whole two hours I spent in an auto rickshaw, I will end up dying and meet my freshly dead granny! The whole vehicles seem to pour on my little auto - I get so fucking scared that there were butterflies in my stomach!
I am so happy that Angryin not living here - she would have at least gone in coma if not worse...The driver managed to get through two huge traffic jams to take me to the destination. He must be having super driving skills - at least he knows how to crawl his vehicle 
The pollution,
Many of the Indians are black, some significant are brown and some few are white! In here, the pollution is sop high that it turns everyone black - creating a perma-dermis of grime and what not!Apart from blackening, I am literally choking to death when I am stepping on the roads...  my poor lungs!!

the Bramins
these people are those who conduct prayers - they are priests!
I don't like this kind of people - coz- if I ever had to communicate with god, I know how to do it! Not someone who has read some mantras and  going act like an service provider No thanks! - It is me and god - if he ever exists in the first place, so just get it that I don't like pundits/priests/ bramins
To conduct the death ceremonies of my granny, a pundit (unusually of my age) has asked to get a large list of things which also includes stuff like "cow shit"...
Now, to say the whole list had cost us somewhere 5000 (RO 50) - instead would not it be nice if we spend those money to some orphans kids?!
Instead of filling this priest's ass and he cannot even know / tell me if my granny's soul is happy or not?
I hate Ritualistic nature of Hinduism...
But, I cannot express my anti-ritualistic theories to this fucking ritual addicted people - even if I do, they will fuck me to hell!!1 - whats even more odd is that, becoz of my granny's death none other than the people of the same surname should touch us! - how sick! first the whole family is drenched in sadness and then you remind this bad event by simply keeping them away coz you may get "impure" by touching us!!! Fuck you ppl! 
that's that for the last 48 hours and I think I will have really bad time with all this mechant things here....
 I am going to screw this cafe guy now for this keyboard!

Safe and cold in Hyderabad!


I have arrivedinHyderabadthis morningthrough that very stupid airport which now seemed like a huge glass house!
Iam stuck wit a very loose keyboard in this petite cafeso forgive me for the mistakes!

and yesd it is fucking cold here in and soo foggyI can't see a thing!

Enjoy your holidays
I' be backsoon

Off to India...


By the time you are reading this, I might be somewhere up in the sky, in one of those teeny weensy seats of our Oman Air, heading for Hyderabad.
This visit to India is something which I wish gets over fast as I want to be back in Muscat as soon as possible.
I think, if all goes well I will be back within 4 weeks.
SO guys, au revoir till then

Blog Freeze - but you won't be bored


I am unsure whether I will get to blog when I am in India, so I decided to put up some random post in schedule – I got the post till the end of this month. I will in the meantime also try to blog if I get time and chance!

Hope you will like the post, which I have written and will be posted. I am surely going to miss you all gals and guys! I think I have weaved myself so much into the Muscat’s Blogging community that life becomes blank fuck without commuting with you all people!

Well, take care ppl!
Keep blogging, keep visiting, keep commenting!

Black Magic Case of Wadi Kabir -- Part 2


Things have gone more complex now!
 The saints who prmised a cure within a week failed...I am not surprised.
Her hands now have gone into a strange tinge of blue-green ( My fears of complete clotting of blood/ stopping of circulation of blood have come true ) and she has lost weight.
Only improvement is that the attacks of that old woman have reduced.
She now talks and walks but she is extremely weak and can be seen crying at many times because of the pain in her hands.

She is on medicines too. The doctors of Sama have said that the pain is the indication of the unblocking of nerves/ veins in her hands. (I can't rely on them either!)
She is going to leave to India, for better treatement (-wonder if it is again some saints or some good dcotors-).

Poor lady! lets hope to see her better soon!

Imposter Syndrome whilst shopping...


When you are fifty, and a grandparent you simply become the most messiest person on the face of earth..yup I am talking of my parents! Mom and Dad all of a sudden realized that their new-born grandson requires a sweater for this winter and they want to make sure that they get him his first winter gear.
So, by evening I find myself in Sana Fashions, holding a basket and perhaps looking like a dog who is suffering from claustrophobia - my mom has decided to see everything that fits her grandson and is busy imagining him in them while hogging brains of two salesmen all the time talking to Dad on mobile, who is struck in traffic jam...telling him the color, texture etc...
She was seeking my opinion too, I asked her to call Sis instead of pestering me! My attention drifted as an Indian mother (faux-jeune) and her daughter (some 13-15) entered into the row!
They too were shopping some winter clothes and when I heard English accent of that daughter - it was American - I was impressed...on quiet observation of her accent, she was trying to speak like Americans - now why would someone want to do such a thing?
You are an Indian - not an American - you simply don't need to copy their accent! That would mean self disrespect - one more thing, one must encourage people to speak in their mother language
Take my family for example, apart from Telugu which is our mother language (and also the largest spoken language of India, after Hindi)
I know: Hindi, French, Gujarati, English
Mom knows: Hindi, English, bit of Tamil
Dad knows: Hindi, Sanskrit, French n English
Sis knows: Hindi, English and Gujarati
despite this we never anything speak other than Telugu in day today life, and when we talk the other languages all we bother is a correct pronunciation and grammar.
Many Indian parents think it is fashionable to speak English (with grammatical and pronunciation mistakes that give me suicidal thoughts) with their kids but they don't understand how stupid they are...use English when needed but not for everything!
English is essential when in interaction with other people who doesn't know your mother tongue!
WHY am I blabbering all this? SPEAK in your language - your mother tongue, because every 2 weeks one language dies - it should not be your mother tongue! Got it! So speak it!

And yes getting back to shopping, we got a nice cute dark green sewn sweater, a skull cap and some socks...after a hell of 2 hrs n 45 mins, I am out of a cloth cage!

written on Dec 9Th - 11pm

laws of universe [Humor]


Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were
in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.

Theater Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the
aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss
will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers..

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you
are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Going to India....


I and mom are leaving for India, on 10th. We could not get the date any earlier coz of the Eid holidays.
Ceremonies required after the death of my grandma are already done. There will be one more ceremony which will be conducted on 11th day after the death.
Every one born/ first related to the person died has to attend this ceremony. My dad could not come, though he will be in holidays as he has get a paper permitting him to travel has t be signed by GD - and GD in somewhere in Germany!
The return dates are not yet decided and we are thinking of buying tickets from India. I think we will return somewhere in Jan.
I hope all goes well in India, cox the atmosphere is very depressive and my mom is both physically and emotionally very fragile.

The worst part is I CAN'T CRY!!
In India, if someone dies, everyone has to cry, I feel sad at heart but simply my eyes don't show it! It s is so bad if you are a social gathering and everyone is crying - I can't, they will stare at me like hell!
It is not something funny - they think I am inert to such things. Actually I am not - I feel sad my grandma died - but I can't shed a tear...
Am I the only one with such weird thing?

The orgins of Bobby


In my last visit to India, I visited our old house where no one now lives. Rummaging through the time and dust, I was able to find some things which are priceless in my view. One of such things is a bag full of albums. I brought them to Muscat so I could scan them and upload to that the pics all available to all my family members around the world. So whilst scanning, I found these pics of mine:
1) Me n my grandma (dad's mom)

Don't I look cute! I was only 6 months at that time. Bobby is the name given by her. She has named every grand-child of her with names starting with "B"
This is in the garden behind our house. Grandma was obsessed with gardening.(By the time I grew up, the garden wasn't this full and vibrant) she maintained 3 gardens with the house. All of them cleverly designed and grown.

She was a farmer, businesswoman, investor and knew French! She died in 2005 coz of cancer.

2) My sis

So that was my sis somewhere in early 90s. She looks so much like her son right Look at her hands, I am gonna make her look this page! LOL!

I am surrounded by more than 100 photos. I am continuously scanning, photoshopping them. Some need so much work to be done! So lot of work to keep me busy throughout night.
If you also have got old photos, do scan them in to PC and upload them to Picasa or Flickr...

If I get time...I will post some more pics soon!

My grandmom more!


me n my Grandma - 1991
A simple women
who saw joy in growing saplings 
she always said that we(grandchildren) are all saplings
she was a huge tree for us
but I never knew trees too die...
She died on the way to the hospital in Hyderabad, in the hands of my uncle...
she died peacefully...
after a very tiresome life of nearly 80 years... 
I an Mom will be going to India, soon..

A case of Black Magic in Wadi Kabir....


There is a young (25) woman living in the floor below us, a wife of a business man and a close friend of my mom. From last two weeks she is suffering from pain in her hands. She took the whole thing normal and visited the  al-Sama.
Well, the medicines seemed to aggravate the pain. From last week, she was noted to be behaving oddly - body language is changed so are the habits.
Today morn, my mom and I went to visit her...and she was NOT the SAME person...according to her husband, someone has used "black magic" to attack her and so all the nerves in her hands don't work and she is also dominated by an old woman...probably a ghost or the witch who conducted the black magic.
I couldn't believe at first, but the whole hour, I and mom stayed she didn't recognize us at all instead was asking her husband to cigars to smoke (a typical habit of old women countryside Indian women). She walks and talks exactly like an old woman - I am left with no other option but to believe.
When the old woman leaves the body of this young woman, everything is back to normal - except the pain in her hands - which is not present with the old woman inside her. Her husband can actually twist her hands completely and the lady didn't say a thing.
To counter the black magic, "white magic" is being done by some saints in India, they are conducting some prayers and asked a time of one week for the complete cure.
In the meantime, she is also taking medicines...
Her husband says that is not the first time, their family is attacked by black magic. Many of their family enemies, jealous of their riches (they are fucking rich ~3000 OR per month) have done such a thing. He then showed me some videos of her previous attacks - I was amazed how her behavior changed, she was at times violent!
I am a hardcore atheist, I have no belief in god or ghost this is a puzzle beyond me. I am also a student of Psychology, this case cannot be understood in that way either. I still recommended a visit to some psychologist.
Whatever it is, a black magic or some psychological disease lets hope she get well soon...
I have heard of such possibilities of soul domination when I was learning Yoga. "The ancient texts like Sutras of Yoga, contain the ways how one can dominate and occupy others' souls . These texts are no longer available to the public but the ways are still known to some saints and of course black magicians." explained my guru

Rains in Oman...gays in news


LOOK, my gadgets are buzzing and the sky is signaling too:

My weather desktop gadget:

Check in detail here
The cloud gathering in Wadi Kabir...I hope it rains, but not heavily...

btw thats the first pic from my new SONY W120

And here is a funny clip

No intentions of discrimination/ offense guys! Only for just a laugh!

Got a new Sony Cam..


First kisses to my mom and dad! They are the best! I believe there are no other parents in Muscat who wud give their son, more than what he want within three hours!

I love my Sony W120 - it is awesome!
I got this from KMT under a winter offer for 85 OR.
I am so excited I dunno what to write!
Isn't it cute!
I actually went to buy a relatively cheaper Cannon A470 but my mom and dad, insisted that I go for Carl Zeiss lens and Sony than Cannon.
Well. I think I made a right decision by choosing the Sony cam. I am still meddling with the settings of the camera. I never thought I would buy the camera today, but it all went in flip second. Whats more, I enjoyed the shopping for the first time as there was less crowd. (I think I have mild agoraphobia), my dad and mom to enjoyed their time while in KMT cracking jokes with the salesmen.And a neighbor bumped into us, she also shopped with us for sometime. It was a lovely evening over all and gave me a break from those freaking music reality TV shows
So just wait for the pics to come....I am cliking

I am no "ruwi call girl"


Yes, I am not a call girl hailing from Ruwi!

From the time I installed Google analytics (thanks to Angry for that),this is the most popular keyword leading to my blog! Almost everyday someone hits my blog with this keyword!
I have never mentioned anything with the call girls yet (wonder if I ever used the word *girl* in my blog) and Google is not the only engine leading to me with this keyword but also and yahoo too.

Some other weird keywords which lead to me:
- Numbers of Ruwi call girls
- Muscat fuck
- What are the thing do you find in Muscat? - humans and hills
- Night fucking in Oman
- Chemical toilets - Can someone explain!
- Best broadband connection in Tiruvulla - No mine isn't best n certainly not in Tiruvulla
- Different people live in Muscat - we're not buffaloes to look same.
- Filipino in Muscat- there are many, I wonder if any blog!
- Hai hai girls - this blog belongs to Bye Bye Boy..
- m v stolt valor in muscat
- prepone periods+homeremedies(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Apart from the above shit, I love Google Analytics. It is awesome and simple! I love to see where my readers are from and what do they read! So till now, the most famous post is of JUDI DENCH followed by my near death experience.

Do tell us about the weird keywords you come is fun knowing!

Pakistan Rejects India's Charges, Seeks Proof


By Emily Wax and Rama Lakshmi
Washington Post Foreign Service
Sunday, November 30, 2008; A19
MUMBAI, Nov. 29 -- Pakistan demanded late Saturday that India produce evidence to support allegations it was involved in the three-day assault on India's financial and cultural capital, a battle that came to a close earlier in the day.
Indian officials said they had killed or captured 10 gunmen responsible for the rampage through Mumbai, as authorities pulled more bodies from the wreckage of the Taj Mahal Palace & Tower hotel. Mourners marched in tearful funeral processions for some of the nearly 200 people killed in the attacks, which also targeted another hotel, a Jewish center and several other sites. Six Americans were among the dead.
Indian intelligence officials said Saturday that the only surviving attacker was from Pakistan.
Pakistani Foreign Minister Shah Mahmood Qureshi said his government was not involved. "If they have evidence, they should share it with us. Our hands are clean," he said at a news conference in Islamabad, Pakistan's capital. "We have nothing to be ashamed of."
Pakistan warned that it would redeploy troops involved in the terrorism fight on its border with Afghanistan to its frontier with India in response to any Indian troop movements.
"Tension with India is mounting. The situation is very critical, and the next 48 hours are very crucial," a senior Pakistani official said on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the situation. He said Pakistan had put its air force and navy on high alert. "In case of any Indian aggression, Pakistan will respond to it in a matching way," he said.
Similar finger-pointing after an attack on the Indian Parliament brought the two governments to the brink of war in 2001.
In Washington, U.S. intelligence officials said the evidence continues to point to a connection to Kashmiri separatists, although the sources stressed that the investigation has barely gotten underway.
"We're in the very early innings," said a U.S. counterterrorism official, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "But now that the shooting is over, the Indians have a lot to work with." Key clues will probably come from the gunmen themselves, "both the living and the dead," he said.
Islamist fighters in Pakistan have sought for years to provoke a new war between India and Pakistan over Kashmir, the disputed province that both countries claimed after the 1947 partition of the subcontinent. Indian and Western intelligence officials have specifically cited Lashkar-i-Taiba, an Islamist network based in Pakistan that was founded to fight the Indian army in Kashmir.
On Friday, Pakistan reversed a decision to send its spy chief to aid India's investigation, saying it would send a lower-level official. But officials said they would help India identify and capture those behind the attacks.
"My heart bleeds for India," Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari told an Indian television channel. "As president of Pakistan, if any evidence points to anyone in my country," his government will take action, he said.
Nationalistic pride has surged across India even as officials struggled to deal with accusations of a delayed government response to the crisis and poor coordination, especially at a Jewish center in Mumbai where five people were killed, including a rabbi from New York and his wife.
At a meeting in New Delhi, officials said they would station special commando forces in cities to expedite crisis response, and they emphasized the need for better coordination between the forces and local police.
"Now we are thinking about how to reduce the delay and get into action and not lose the golden hour," M.L. Kumawat, special secretary of internal security, said at a news conference in New Delhi. "In the very near future, we will have such units at least in the big metropolitan cities. And in just a few hours, they will be able to mount an operation."
Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh met with security agencies Saturday and has called a meeting of all the political parties Sunday to discuss an anti-terrorism plan.
In Washington, President Bush promised to support India in its recovery effort and investigation.
"We mourn those who lost their lives, including American citizens," he said. "We pray that the injured will recover. We pledge the full support of the United States as India investigates these attacks, brings the guilty to justice and sustains its democratic way of life."
Lakshmi reported from New Delhi. Staff writer Joby Warrick in Washington and special correspondents Shaiq Hussain and Haq Nawaz Khan in Islamabad contributed to this report.

What I say: Manmohan, Simply delcare a war on Pakistan under the suspision of terrorism. If Bush can do it! You can too! Whats more you can even prove unlike Bush!

Sis Unwell! Cause Unknown!


My sis is admitted into the hospital in her town in India, three days ago with the complaint of fever which is at peak in morn and reduces by night.
Almost all the tests have been done and the doctors find no fault with her. She is having hard time as she has feed her baby boy. Lucky her husband and mother-in-law are there to help her. She is not allowed to take any solid food and is living on fruit juices and milk. Which is nearly hell!
She has asthma problem long back but that was completely healed right in Oman. It is her second year in India,and this is the first time she is staying completely in hospital.

She is unable to talk at present. All she does is to moan "um"(yes) and "umuh"(no).
My mom is upset and she can't leave for India right now as her (and mine) visa has to be renewed.
I hope my sis will get well soon!

Omantel Filters are down........


for most of the P-blogs!

A friend of mine texted me that Omantel is not blocking any of the pornographic blogs! For the time being! I believe it is again one of the "technical problems". I am checking the sites! (Am I gross?)
He is true! Guys my advice is to download some stuff....and keep if you know what I am talking about!
Have a gr8 time! ;)


Terror strikes Mumbai..


I am really sad and shocked at the state of Mumbai. The news channels are bombarding the info like anything. I am confused how these people got in such hi-security places and hotels. I just hope that everything will be back to normal again as soon as possible.
I was roaming around those very places yesteryear. The Taj and Victoria Terminal. I have so many friends in Mumbai and happy that they are safe and  I am also worried about Daniel...I hope he is safe.
And what is more distubing is the fact that this horrible hits in 26th. This is not the first time 26 has troubled India - last time it was Tsunami..and many other small unfortunate events.
With nearly 3 police dead and many other people (100 n counting) dead, I don't understand what these terroists want or why are they doing this shit!
And yeah where is that Raj Thackray? I don't see him anywhere..where is this Mumbai fanatic?

Automatic confession system!!!


I am rolling on my bed! HAHa

at 3:48 am

and yea, Youtube looks awesome wit widescreen !

I have been tagged


I have been tagged by Gill, And this time it is more interesting!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yup! I am named after a Saint!

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? After watching Brokeback Mountain...for 2 days!!

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I love my handwriting!! I feel mine is the best!!


5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? I am a kid!


7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Not much! But I love reading or listening to it!

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS. I have no probs with tonsils


10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I am having Oatmeal........

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?  Umm...yes if mom is there

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Ask my friends!!!

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? I literally can't remember the last time I ate an ice cream! Vanilla I think is my fave


15. RED OR PINK? how about green?


17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? I don't miss anyone!! I am a loneliness lover




21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My neighbor's conversation with my mom........


23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Bakery, Blue for men!



26.FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Cricket.....I feel nice to see so many FOOLS at once! LOL

27. HAIR COLOR? Black! I am thinking of dyeing brown

28. EYE COLOR? Black


30. FAVORITE FOOD? I any anything tasty
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Tragedies......luv them

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Quantum of Solace..........left it midway



35. HUGS OR KISSES? Both!!


37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I don't understand this question!

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND. I don't understand this question!

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? The Best of Speaking Tree

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I am using a gel-mouse pad! Spent nearly 2 rials!

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? America's Next Top Model

42. FAVORITE SOUND. Glass clinking


44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Been to Ibri! Not that far - right


46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Hyderabad ,India

Ok who ever reads this, THEY ARE TAGGED! Enjoy making the list! HAHA

100 years ago........



This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1908.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for the Year 1908 :
************ ********* ********* ******

The average life expectancy was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles
Of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower

The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour.

The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place atHOME

Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard. '

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
Entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea
Hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.' ( Shocking? DUH! )

Eighteen percent of households had at least
One full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. ! 

Awesome! Right! I stole it from Multiply

Crazy taxi drivers, Crazy french teachers


I knew something like this is going to happen! Why? Coz Bobby is happy! Something should get fucked up!

I had my first French class at CFO (Center Franco Omanais or French Omani Center) today after a 5 month break! So those who were with me previously have finished their course and I was informed I will be put in a new class.
The class starts at 5 pm. I started off from my home at 4:30. Thank god the taxi was downstairs.
I asked if he was going and I sat in it.
Almost immediately, the driver got down and opened the door on my side and stared cleaning it with sprinkling water all over the door. Yea there were some water marks, but they don't obstruct the view or anything - I was shocked and for a moment I didn't understand what was going on! Was he suffering from OCD!
He was almost going to wet my jeans. I again asked him if he was going to take me or not.
He rather reluctantly came and sat and started driving. It didn't take any long to understand my driver is a bit oddSo we were almost near the Wadi Kabir R/A. The green light was on, and if this idiot driver would have driven fast, we could have crossed in time. No! So waiting at Wadi Kabir R/A, same thing followed at Sheraton, Hunda, OK center everywhere. When he reached OK center, he parked the car on the side and stopped moving.
To cut the long story short,
It is already 5 pm; I was angry and got down from the taxi. Then he was demanding "2 rials" for getting me from Wadi Kabir to Ruwi. I gave him 200Bz and he was shouting something in Arabic. I didn't bother to answer him. I took another taxi and engaged till CFO... (This guy is lot better - he's 50 something and listening to Nicole's Baby Love)
I was soon on my way to CFO and by 5:30 pm I was there.
It took some time finding my class! So I found and opened the door!
To my utter surprise, an old (old = 65+) lady is my new teacher! My previous teacher is a young belle cute lady...........
She quaked "BOOONSOIR"
Bienvenue Bobby. Le novel etudiaaaaant! Aloooooooooors Bobby, ANYTHING SPECIAL
"Anything special" how do I look - a server at some hotel!!!! Then there were people who were later than me, and she wished them in the same manner "anything special!"
Does this phrase mean something other than what I understand?
So the class went on. She teaches well -- better than my previous teacher.
I hope she wasn't wearing fluorescent blue coat!
So back from CFO, I stopped at Ruwi. I had some shopping in Ruwi so as I was hopping from shop to shop - I collided with one of my old friends lets call him............Hatim
OK...Hatim is one of those guys who spend a year or two more than required in the school! He is awfully handsome............but he smokes(he asked me for a lighter), he is no older than I am but why does he need to smoke? In fact everyone from my class now smoke! I find the whole thing dirty and self-destroying. Anyway it is their life and they are now mature (at least physically) to know good and bad!
But what if their parents come to know of this? 
I know what dire consequences smoking can lead to coz my granddad, who smoke like hell died of pneumonia, and my dad (who can be qualified as chain smoker) had already two attacks of pneumonia.

Living somewhere luxuriously in Gulf doesn't mean that one should booze, smoke and fuck around more than 10 girls....wherever we live, we must try our best to uphold the trust our parents had kept in who fails so, is worthless. Sigh! I feel so sad that my friends don't understand this simple truth.........



Normally I complain that people get so noisy on weekend but this time I was the who was in noisy mood
Why? I don't know. May be I wanted a break from my from my monotonous life.
So I get into this mood, I like roaming about....I decided to go to Juma Suq, it is nearest to my house and I wanted to be near to my house after the freaking things happening to me on roads!!!
Well I went to Juma Suq, nothing much to buy, what I will buy - abayas? I roamed and roamed and bought couple of Omani perfumes, I love perfumes especially the strong Omani scents!
I also bought myself a couple of shorts and track pants - I am really amazed to find my size in a suq normally don't find them even in CC or Lulu. They were damn cheap so I wouldn't care even if they didn't last longer. My neighbors met me in the suq, they were too buying clothes, so we all had popcorn and drinks (me -Diet) and had great time walking in the wadis.
So by midday I am in the house. And then.....going against the normal Indian Television Science, one Channel showed a fave movie of mine! I enjoyed the movie and to add cream to this wonderful day I was asked to babysit my neighbor's son....Ok I love babysitting and children until they don't harm my laptop and books! So I spent the whole evening with this 7 year old cutie and taught him how to type and blah blah!! Its fun whatever!
I had really good sleep yesterday, I was asleep before 12pm - I can't believe it!!!! Without aspirins or cold pads or anything - sleep! Ah! I am so happy today...
I hope you too had a gr8 weekend
I didn't get time to blog from morning as I was struck with a job-work (yea I work part time) on "TCP/IP name resolution"...I am near to banging my head!

Coftas in Chilli Tamato Sauce


The actual name is "Manchurian Balls with Gravy" but if I post with that title Omantel may block me! Who knows!

Manchurian Coftas in Tomato Chili Sauce

For Manchurian Coftas:
Cabbage - 1 medium shredded
Carrot - 2 medium finely shredded
Corn flour - 1 cup
Pepper Powder
Green Chilli paste - 1 tsp
Garlic Ginger paste - 1 tsp
Oil - for deep-frying
For Tomato Chili sauce
Tomato sauce - 1 cup
Onions - 1 cup finely chopped/ shredded
Soya sauce - 1-2 tbsp
Chili sauce - 1/2 cup
Chili paste - 1 tsp
Garlic Ginger paste - 1 tsp

Manchurian Coftas

1. After chopping/ shredding the cabbage, add salted water and quench the cabbage to remove the excess water
2. In a bowl, add the quenched cabbage and carrot and mix well. Add pepper and salt to taste and add green chili paste and garlic paste
3. Add cornflour <> and mix well to the above mixture and make the thus formed dough into small balls/ coftas

These are the coftas b/f frying

4. Deep fry these coftas until crispy and golden brown.
5. Make sure you remove all the excess oil using Palace Tissues

Tomato Chili Sauce
1. In a pan, add 2 tbsp of Oil
2. Add onion pieces and saute them till brown
3. Add soya sauce, Ajinomoto, tomato sauce, chili paste, ginger garlic paste and chili sauce.
4. Mix well until the sauce thickens

Pour the sauce over the Manchurian Coftas just before serving.

1. I am not that fave of tomato sauce, so I used half cup tomato sauce and half cup fresh tomato didn't alter the taste
2. I am far too lazy to blend chili paste and garlic paste separately so I made Chili-Ginger-Garlic paste. Do NOT use the pastes available in the market! They are not good in taste.
3. Ajinomoto is optional if you are allergic to it don't use it
4. I added chopped corriander leaves to my sauce to make it more aromatic.

The Event

I am on a low-fat,low-carb, low-sodium diet from last one month - It has been well over month that I ate anything tasty! I like Chinese food but no one eats in my family so I called on my neighbor (who loves Chinese food but no one eats Chinese in her family too ) Mrs. Joshi. In fact she was the one who gave this recipe!
Mrs. Joshi is our neighbor from last 7 years, she is like a member of our family. (yep, Gujarati & very good cook) She came to help me out! She and I had fun cooking this recipe. So thanks Mrs.Joshi!

Near death experience


I am thinking of changing my blog's name to something like Muscat's Accident Reporter -Reporter by accident

It was yesterday night(around 11 pm ), after coming from my usual walking I was crossing my road and suddenly, a car -god knows from where it popped up - was all ready to smash me. I was frozen and rooted to the road! Of course he did put the breaks and that was like less than a meter away from me.

I think I screamed ! It is not funny...and I cannot understand why the driver found the whole thing soo FUNNY! He was smiling laughing leaning from his from his window. What if I was really hit by that car! There was no honk, no signal light nothing! There weren't any people on the road but that doesn't mean that he goes the way he wants right!  Is he drunk? I dunno! Or may be someone mentally unstable!
What the FUCK he wants - to scare people like this on roads! The whole event has lead me to a crazy bodypains -coz of the shock it went through!

I feel so unsafe now on the roads! It gets me worrying where any vehicle will come and hit me!I feel unsafe for those kids and ladies and people on the road! I hope Oman won't turn its(her) drivers in like those in India!

Here is pic! It is next to Sana Fashions in Wadi Kabir.I was attempted to be murdered by that crazy driver on this very road! Angry seems so right with these roads and their manners.

The post was written on 17 november 2008

Google Images is UNblocked


I can't rely on that! But for the time being it is working.
Omantel is going to freak me out. Every now and then, I find some or the other thing blocked. It is not that I cannot go over these filters - but then....I am lazy to do all those settings and programming
I simply like others can't grip waht Omantel is going to do?
I heard Orbit doesn't block anything. May be I should try that

In India, I get my internet from Airtel through bluetooth from my mobile to laptop - I can say it is free (1 rial per month) and unlimited. The speed is something we have to compromise, but I never heard of blocking and unblocking of any sites.

Google Images blocked


It is not opening - I am getting the infamus omantel message! WHY?
probably I am going wacth nude pics.............grrrrrrr.........I need pictures for my neighbours son............picutes of animals!
Fuck Omantel! What do they want - sexless Omanis and Indians?















I am not sure of exact source but it is from Multiply

My first recipe -- Tamarind rice


Pulihora is an authentic andhra recipe made of rice. It is commonly known as tamarind rice. You can feel the sour, tangy, spicy taste all in one wonderful dish. Pulihora is made in difference varities (rice, ravva, lemon, mango).


2 cups cooked rice
1 cup tamarind paste (thick pulp)

6-8 whole dry red chillies
2 Tbsp urad dal
2 Tbsp channa dal
1 tbsp mustard seeds
1/4th cup peanuts
couple of pinches of hing
2 Tbsp turmeric powder
6-8 green chillies
Curry leaves (fist full)
1/4 cup oil
1/4 cup sesame seeds (toasted and powdered)
Salt to tast


Heat oil in a pan on medium flame, add urad dal, channa dal, peanuts, whole red chilles and fry till light golden brown. Add mustard seeds, hing and fry till mustard seeds start to crackle. Add green chillies, curry leaves, turmeric, tamarind pulp, salt and cook for 10-12 mins on medium flame. When the mixture becomes thick, turn off the heat. Add rice and sesame seeds powder and mix well. Adjust the seasoning and serve.

Notes and tips

Sesame seeds powder is optional. You can add ginger also. Add it along with green chillies and curry leaves. If you are allergic to peanuts you can substitiue with cashewnuts. The rice should not become too soft, each grain of the cooked rice should be seperate and rice should be cold. I usually cook rice for pulihora in a rice cooker and spread it in a plate to cool.


I love this recipe. I always ask my mom to cook it. This time I cooked it with the help of my mom. It did turn out good.


I have changed the recipe, I didn't use urad and Channa Dal (I already have two fillings in teeth and no reason to increase them). I don't like asafoetida (hing) but I have added ginger. And don't add the rice to the seasoned tamarind paste, but add seasoned tamarind paste to the rice. mix slowly in large bowl.


After you have cooked rice, add a pinch of turmeric to the hot rice, this will enhance the color of the rice and add a few curry leaves too for the flavor. Add lemon juice if you want more sourness while eating. I personally like it with curd but one could eat it by itself.

I love this guy! I love trains and 2 more accidents in Wadi Kabir


I just received an email from my sister in India.
She has sent me the pictures of her baby boy and herself. Dad and Mom are staring unblinkingly at the pictures. They are smiling and giggling to themselves looking at Rose's pictures (Rose is a nick-name he isn't yet named).

Dad: Doesn't Rose look like his mother?
Mom: Yeah she was like him! so much?
Me: What?
Mom: Look at his smile!! He's so cute!
Dad: Yea! So cute!
Me: Where? I don't see him smiling!
Mom: SHUT UP! He is sooo cute!

I love the picture, both my sis and Rose look so alike in this picture. Don't mind the spot on Rose's nose -- it is just a spot of surma/ khol kept to ward of evil looks -- pretty common in India.
Well I am glad that all are fine in India and I would soon join my sis and her family to a tour to Tirupathi -- the costliest temple of the world. Though I am nowhere interested in the temple and in-existent God (I am an atheist who also knows philosophy of Yoga so bear with my two opposite faces) but I love the flora and fauna there. Many plants which are said to be extinct in other parts of the world.
It would also mean I would be travelling by trains till there! I love trains may be because they are aren't present in Oman. Every year we used to take flight till Mumbai and then travel by train for nearly 40 hours up till my native place Yanam. It was kinda long fun ride.
I love the food I get to eat. The people i get to meet and at times the pictures I like to take. And I sleep peacefully in train coz of the rocking sensation. If there is one thing hated in trains, it would be crowd and stinky shit smell at the stations.
However my dad and sis just hate trains! If they want (or have to)to travel they always book themselves in 1st class AC or no train travel. At once I remember me and mom in the general reservation compartment while my sis and dad were in AC compartment. I hate AC compartment coz the time I am in India it will be raining so all the AC compartments smell of socks or rotten eggs. And you don't get anyone to talk or look through those dark glass opaque windows.
IT is nearly 1 am and I am noway near sleep but gotta try! And yeah there had one more accident at Muz'marah Roundabout (Wadi Kabir R/A) and one more at Rawasco in WK. Again none was hurt but had caused a traffic jam! Love these drivers (Indians! Malayalis!) for making me walk from Rawasco through all the dirty gullies (lanes)! Fuck you both ! can't you both just look and drive
written at 12:00 am on Thursday night

Bobby is toe-tapping to....


It has been a while I upadted my iPod or for that matter I saw VH1 or MTV. With the fucking Dish TV and the sanguine Indian serials and those horrible Indi-Pop (coz they copy from western or almost rape the old classics with their stupid meaningless remixes) Ok so here is the list of my latest faves:

1. Sweet about me -- Gabriella Climi

This 20 year old Australian singer is the first to attract me. Her voice is crisp and fresh. I love the song and the music. Though I have a faint feeling of having already heard the music, her singing style is just awesome

2. Womanizer - Britney Spears

Here we go with the famous Britney the bitch. I love this song, though there is lot of voice modulation, it is that bad better than Paris Hilton. There is so much nude scenes to see of Britney which is neither new or exciting coz I have been watching her so from my childhood. One thing is that she is just like the Britney we know in "baby one more time".
Thee vid I posted is an album one!

3. SO What -- Pink

She hits back with this song which is perhaps about her break up with Carey. Whatever it is I love the song and not everybody can for this song. Pink gives me break from all the sad or lovely melodies with song which to my ears sounded like "Shut Up and Drive" of Rihanna

4. Disturbia -- Rihanna

Rihanna is my all-time favorite. This song written by Chris Brown sung beautifully by this lady. I love the bum-bum-e-dum which still humming from the time heard 2 months ago.

5. Miss Independent -- Ne-Yo

Ne-Yo's latest Miss Independent is cool to listen and I love the video. I haven't
yet heard the songs with full attention but I love the beat!

6. If I were a boy --Beyoncé

This lady has been singing sooo much! I think this is her third or fourth release this year. After Upgrade U, Crazy in love and one more with her Jay-Z. Anyway nice song here, with loads of meaning in it! But I wonder why the vid should be in black-n-white.

7. Yesterday -- Leona Lewis

the video has not been yet out. Her latest is "forgive me" which I didn't like at all! This is my favorite sing from this somber singer.

I love French music as much as I do for the English music. These are the present best from the French
8. La roue tourne - Zaho

Zaho's is a french singer who has been singing from 1999 I think. However I know her from her previous single called C'est chelou! No doubt she rocks! Her songs are full of new and kinda mixed appeal. Her voice too is crispy and sexy for me. In this clip Tunisiano sang with her -- he is another French rapper -- it awesome how he plays with the words.

9. Comme il se doit -- Marc Antoine

pic here
His last single "tant de besoin de toi" was awesome. I loved it so much that I know the whole song by heart. he doesn't disappoint me with this song either. Love the music, I feel there are some tingles of Asian style.

10. Rayon de soleil -- William Balde

I love this song. It has been released long back but I like to listen it encore! Can anyone tell me which style or genre or era this type of music belongs to? I find it hard to decide on one -- is it 80s style?

But then, there are those who Bobby doesn't understand why they are singing. Example Duffy!! I haven't got a clue what and why is she singing! I feel like killing myself or killing...